Saturday, December 17, 2011

How to destroy your finances in 5 easy steps

Hello friends!

Are you sick and tired of having a roof over your head?
Are you bored by the humdrum existence of knowing where your next meal will come from?
Are you completely numbed out by the dull, unchallenging routine of making ends meet?

It's time to shake things up! You, too, can experience the roller-coaster thrill ride of financial insecurity- but wait, don't order yet! You can also have unimaginable pain *AND* we'll throw in - for free!!! - the judgment, blame, and ostracizing by your friends, neighbors, fellow church-goers and (former) co-workers. 

Sound too good to be true? Think it's out of your reach? You can have all this and more with this easy 5-step plan. I'm not just the President of The Financial Ruin Academy; I'm an alumnus. I've done it. I know it works. And now I want to share it with you.
How to destroy your finances in 5 easy steps!
  1. Get a college degree
  2. Get a job
  3. Get sick with something serious and/ or chronic
  4. Get fired for being sick (this step is easy- no effort involved! Just drag your tired butt in to work one day and- "hey look, I don't work here anymore!")
  5. Attempt to pay for your medical bills and rack up debt (again, easy, because you won't have income but you will have usual expenses- plus these new exorbitant medical expenses. Don't worry; even if you have insurance you'll still find this step of racking up unbearable debt will take care of itself).
* Please note- this plan to financial ruin may not be as effective in Canada, or any country having universal health care.

Step 5 can be achieved via several methods, and some are more effective than others:

a) credit card debt
b) second mortgage on home
c) pile on student loans
d) personal loans from friends

If you really want to experience the financial ruin thrill-ride, option c is best. Here's why:

Credit card loans. If one day, you need to declare bankruptcy, credit card loans can be forgiven (student loans and mortgages cannot). Credit cards are unsecured debt. They have no recourse, except to ruin your credit score. And, hey, you can get that and more with the options b and c.

Second mortgage on home. These are easy to get, and if you default- boom! no house! Pretty fast road to financial ruin. And good luck finding another house, or even an apartment to rent. Now we're getting somewhere. But wait! I think we can do even better. See, if you get kicked out of your home and it's foreclosed upon, the debt is gone with it.

Student loan. Defaults cost you massive fees, which are then tacked onto the loan. And even if you go bankrupt, these loans are not forgiven. There is no getting out of these loans! So... if you want to have drama and financial ruin in your life for all time, you too can have the security of knowing you'll always have financial insecurity! You'll never be out from under your debt. If you want to stay on this thrilling ride, this is the way to go!

Personal loans can be forgiven (but rarely forgotten) and rarely involve fees or hefty interest.

So let's review: Credit card debt, if you go bankrupt, only costs you your pride. And let's face it, if you're chronically ill, you gave that up long ago. Mortgage defaults cost you your home; personal loans cost you your friends. So really, the coup de grace is to put that medical debt onto come loan you can never get out of- student loans. Now, on top of your debilitating illness, you have a debt load you cannot possibly repay, and which will never be forgiven.

If you've enjoyed this lesson and would like to enroll in our program of Financial Ruin for Life (TM), please send $1 billion to RDR,  PO Box 6284 Somerset NJ 08875. Please feel free to write the check from your student loan account.

*this article as inspired by the unfortunate and true story of Kristin Rawls, a fellow graduate of The Financial Ruin Academy. read her story here (contains profanity):

Carla Ulbrich, The Singing Patient funny medical songs